Why is the child shy? Psychologist's opinion. Practical tips for caring parents that will definitely help overcome the shyness of the child Shy child 7 10 years old
One of the basic human needs is the need for companionship and recognition. For a shy person, the need to communicate causes certain difficulties. What is natural for others becomes a problem for him. It is inconvenient for him to ask for help, to establish contacts with new people, he may feel very constrained and embarrassed while in society. Adults are also overly shy, and in some cases the baby turns into a stable character trait.
Why is the child shy?
In some periods of growth and development, all children are shy, although the degree of manifestation of this property is different for them. For example, girls are more likely to be shy than boys. This is due to their gender and characteristics of education. Sometimes children outgrow the “shy” age, and the character remains the same. A preschooler is afraid to look up at an adult or ask for something for himself. A student is embarrassed to raise his hand in class, a teenager does not dare to meet a peer of the opposite sex, fearing rejection. Parents and loved ones need to know why the child is very shy and how to help him.
Age features
At 8 months of age, babies begin to experience "stranger fear", which is a psychologically based stage of growing up. Relatives and acquaintances, to whom the children had calmly walked into their arms before, are often discouraged. Do not worry and sound the alarm - this is not shyness. So the baby grows up, starting to feel his autonomy.
From one to three years old, the child trusts relatives and well-known people. Strangers make him anxious and embarrassed. The question of why a child is shy should not worry the parents of such a baby. Mother and father teach him to get to know each other and get comfortable in a new environment, instilling confidence in the baby with their presence and support.
At the age of three or a little later, most kids start attending kindergarten. Some peanuts calmly get used to the situation, while others are still too early to change something in their lives. There are boys and girls for whom a children's institution, due to the peculiarities of their character and upbringing, is so far categorically contraindicated. For a shy kid, a new environment is stressful. How to ask for help, express your needs, if there is one (or two) educator, and there are many children?
Did your new little one go to school? Here he first sits at a desk, then becomes a teenager, a high school student. Too obvious manifestation of restraint and indecision at this age suggests that the child is suffering. It is difficult for him to show spontaneity and activity, to get acquainted with other children. It's hard to say "no" or stand your ground. The need to adapt to the ideas of other people and dependence on their assessments hinder the development of one's own abilities and the search for a personal vocation.
Exciting questions
What to do if the child is too shy, what can be said about his insecurity and fear, how can parents help their son or daughter overcome a negative experience that prevents them from breathing deeply? Is it necessary to try to "rebuild" the baby if he is naturally shy? These questions have always worried parents. The answer to them lies in the individual characteristics of a minor: character, temperament, upbringing, environment, home environment, and so on. It is possible to help the child, but parents must understand the main thing: the well-being of the child depends to a large extent on them.
"Themselves are..."
The formation of internal confidence depends on many factors. Modesty and modesty can be a manifestation of an innate temperament or determined by the influence of the family environment in which a small person lives. Timid parents dream of a lively and mischievous son, and they have a shy child. The reasons for shyness are obvious, where does the baby get decisiveness if his parents are timid and do not know how to fend for themselves?
Control or permissiveness
Controlling parents often convey excessive strictness and an authoritarian approach to parenting. The child is surrounded by obsessive attention and guardianship, his every step is checked. Parents of this type are proud and focused on external evaluation. Their child should be the best, his real inner world is not interested in adults. Instead of empathy - criticism and evaluation. Instead of sincere interest - indications of the successes and abilities of other children.
The opposite side of control is overindulgence. Lack of clear boundaries and lack of emotional support are its main features. The result of such "education" is extremely similar to the result of a drill with predominant control. A toddler perceives himself as weak and insignificant, suffers from Controlling parents and adults with an indulgent parenting style may wonder why a child is shy, but, unfortunately, they rarely understand that the reason lies in themselves.
“And here they are, the conditions ...”
Separately, the influence should be highlighted. Perhaps in such a kindred environment there is violence, or parents suffer from alcoholism. There are many options. Children from such families are sure that the world is not safe, and they do not deserve to be treated well. The feeling of embarrassment for their family poisons their lives and makes them cringe in shame. Also, the formation of a healthy structure of the "I" is endangered in those children who have lost their parents or were separated from their mother early.
You need to change your approach to the baby. Relatives will help and It is worth learning to use “I-statements” in conversation. There is no need to admire a child for any reason, but for real, albeit small, achievements, one must praise. It is useful to entrust responsible tasks and thank for their implementation. You need to talk with respect, even if there is a baby in front of an adult. You can not raise your voice to the child and compare it with other children. Let him make sure that he is important in himself, such as he is, then his self-esteem will begin to strengthen.
Fathers are often even more worried than mothers that they have a shy child. “What to do?” they ask, especially when it comes to a boy. Dads of sons need to understand that courage and determination will not appear at will or at the will of an adult. Parental support is needed to form such properties. A father should always be on the side of his baby, not scold him for cowardice, but protect him, be a support. Then the child will gradually overcome his shyness and in the future will become courageous and bold, like dad.
Each person's personality is unique. Children are no exception. Parents are mistaken, spending energy and time on "remaking" a little person. He will never live up to expectations because he has his own way. Wise parents do not cherish dreams of a perfect toddler, they are attentive to their real children, know their needs and come to the rescue when needed. They know why the child is shy or too active, as they are responsive to any of his features. Even flowers open in an atmosphere of trust and friendship, so the main advice for adults is to treat children seriously and respectfully. And do not forget that their happiness and well-being is in your hands.
You can often observe the following picture: a child in transport or on a walk chats smartly, sings songs, recites poems, but interested adults, most often casual witnesses, pay attention to his performance, say something or ask to sing and dance like a baby abruptly falls silent, his fuse disappears, and he himself clings to his parents.
“He was shy,” they explain this behavior, but they themselves are perplexed, why is this? After all, he wasn't ashamed of anything!
Shyness may simply be a reaction to an unfamiliar situation, a feature of age, or a stable personality trait. To understand what exactly you are dealing with, you need to figure out why the child behaves the way that is the reason.
Why the child is shy: a mystery for parents
Each age has its own characteristics. Shyness is a feature of preschool age. During this period of life, many adults appear around the child whom he did not know before: educators kindergarten, teachers of early development groups, leaders of circles, acquaintances of parents, etc. naturally, the child is shy of adults he does not know, especially if they ask him for any public speaking: to tell something, to sing, or even just to introduce himself in front of a group.
This is difficult to correct. You can endlessly inspire a child that you should not be shy, but he will be liberated only with age, when he gets comfortable in the world. Parents can only speed up this process by subtly introducing the child into society. A shy baby should often be taken with you to various interesting places, where there are many people who will not show excessive interest in him. Playgrounds, cafes, even shopping centers are suitable. Seeing a lot of strangers around him, the child will eventually get used to the fact that they do not pose a threat to him and shyness will gradually go away.
The child is shy in the kindergarten: how to overcome insecurity?
If in the kindergarten a child is embarrassed not only by educators, but also by other children, then it is important to understand whether this is a sign of adaptation to the team - or an independent problem. In the first case, everything will normalize on its own, during the first months, especially if the baby goes to the garden regularly, without missing him. In the second - it is worth assessing the degree of shyness. Perhaps the child is embarrassed to speak in public, but in ordinary life he is active and sociable. This is a common situation. Not all adults can feel free in front of an audience; for some, this is not required in life.
And yet, if you want your child to be more active and relaxed in the kindergarten, it is worth increasing his level of confidence and reducing anxiety. You can first speak in public at home, in front of your parents, grandparents, acting out skits or reciting poems. Tricks are also of great interest, only their complexity should correspond to age. What to do if the child is shy?
To begin with, it is not necessary to inspire the child that being shy is bad, and that he must overcome this trait with all his might, otherwise ... Parents' horror stories increase anxiety, this reduces the child's self-esteem, and he closes even more. Vicious circle.
It is worth taking the child's shyness for granted and stop trying every day to influence his character, to change it. Is your child shy? It's not bad or good, it just is. It is not certain that this will always be the case, but now it is. Many adults who suffered from their shyness in childhood remember not that they were shy, but that their parents were unhappy with this.
Then it would be nice to increase the child's overall confidence in himself, his strengths and abilities. This is the most effective method teach your child not to be shy. Constantly praise him for the slightest positive shifts in behavior, and most importantly, show by example how good it is to be relaxed and communicate freely. If, due to lack of confidence in their knowledge, the child is embarrassed to answer in the lesson, work on the problematic subject, explain incomprehensible topics, or hire a tutor. The easiest way to solve this problem is to get the child interested in the subject by showing him interesting films or telling him about amazing facts related to it. To help caring parents of schoolchildren, encyclopedias in audio format have been created that can be listened to, for example, on the road.
Appearance and perception
If a child has become embarrassed about his appearance when it changes due to the onset of adolescence, keep in mind that this is the “merit” of adults significant to him, most often the family. Whatever peers say, a teenager passes everything through his ideas about himself that he already has.
Most teenagers are a storehouse of complexes. Too fat, too thin, too tall or too short, lop-eared, bow-legged... all sorts of traits that pretty boys and girls don't ascribe to themselves. And when offensive words hit the target, then self-confidence is shaken.
But initially, such an idea of \u200b\u200bits shortcomings is formed from inadvertently (I would like to believe that not on purpose) words spoken by parents.
“Don’t wear this dress, this model is for slim people, not for you”….
“Why do you need expensive cosmetics, you are not a participant in a beauty contest” ....
"Do not get into a fight, you are too weak to resist the hooligans" ....
“Study well, with your appearance you are unlikely to successfully marry, you will have to earn money yourself” ...
“Don’t be upset that this girl refused to date you - lose weight first, start running in the morning, and then you will run after the girls” ...
Most often, parents want something completely different: to prompt, protect, direct, and a teenager only acquires new complexes.
Parents can only do one thing: to see in their growing child the best that is in him, and this is a lot. It is clear that the angular and constantly mischievous teenager is not the cute kid he was not so long ago. But adults often notice deterioration and completely miss the improvement, which is also quite a lot.
Yes, the child began to study worse, he is no longer an excellent student, because instead of lessons he disappears at rehearsals with his friends - they write and sing songs. But on the other hand, their musical group consists of talented guys, they are invited to perform at school holidays and their peers like their work.
The daughter stopped wearing the "princess" dresses so beloved by her mother and cut off the braid, which she had been growing all her life. But she became independent - she participates in the life of the school, a leader in the class, and even organized a volunteer movement with her like-minded people.
Self-confident children will not become shy, even if outsiders try to embarrass or offend them, simply because offensive remarks will have nothing to cling to. To nurture in our sons and daughters the consciousness of their own value and uniqueness is our parental task, and those adults who have nurtured these qualities in themselves can fully cope with it. So, as usual, first of all, you have to work on yourself.
In conclusion…
If your baby is shy - do not attach excessive importance to this fact. Show your rabanka that being open and active is fun and safe.
Is the preschooler embarrassed to study at an early development school or in a circle, sits and is silent? Sit with him at first - most teachers do not mind the presence of parents. Next to you, the baby will get used to the new environment, and then he will be happy to run to classes and confidently answer questions.
Is the student embarrassed by the teacher, embarrassed even to ask to go to the toilet when necessary? Explain that the teacher, despite his formidable appearance, does not threaten the child with anything, he teaches new and interesting things, shows exciting films, and leads on excursions. And explain to the teacher that your child has not yet mastered and cannot always be active, even if he knows the correct answer. Let the teacher ask him from time to time, and not just those who constantly raise their hand and shout out versions.
Be close to your child, not physically - so mentally, support him, celebrate his successes, and treat failures without tragedy and philosophically: it didn’t work out now, next time it will definitely work out.
How to liberate a child to form a firm and confident character in him? This question is asked by many parents, because today's children are better at "communicating" with technology than with their peers. It is not always the problem of isolation in the child himself. Sometimes he just does not know how to behave in a given situation, and a simple example or a conversation with your child can solve this problem once and for all.
Communication of the child in the team
The issue of shyness in children is of great importance in today's world, because often parents do not pay attention to the development of their baby as a person. Even from the very beginning of the child's knowledge of the world, when he begins to walk, you need to talk to him, telling the concepts of "good" and "bad". It is very important that already in the first year of life your baby begins to communicate with children. At what it is not only his peers, but also older children. Already at this age, the concept is formed that there is someone similar to him, who understands him more than his parents. You can see how children at the age of one exchange toys, which is the beginning of full-fledged communication. Therefore, the first step to ensure that your child feels free in a team is to teach him to play with other children from childhood.
The next step can be considered a visit to the children's preschool. While this may not seem like a big deal, and many stay-at-home parents feel they are capable of educating their child at home, this is not entirely true. Some knowledge really parents can bring to the child. But in kindergarten there is an indispensable experience of communicating with other children, which forms different emotions in your child. Fear, laughter, joy, happiness, pleasure - all this is perceived by a child in a team in a different way. Already at this stage, children learn to make friends, perform at matinees and fight their fears. And if a mother sends a child to a kindergarten and sees that he misses her very much and does not want to go, then even at three years old you can say that before the child Lack of contact with children. After all, if he played with the same small ones, now it would be much easier for him. How to liberate a child in a team if he does not want to go to kindergarten? The main thing is not to give up and think that let him grow up. It’s just that the process of adaptation in this case needs to be stretched - bring the child to get acquainted for a time, which is gradually increased.
How to liberate a child in communication? You need to tell your baby that this is a boy or a girl, about his intentions and that he does not need to be afraid. For example, if a mother brought a child to a kindergarten, and they do not want to communicate with other children, then he simply does not know what to do. In this case, it should be explained that "this is a boy who wants to give you a toy or ride with you on a swing." Next, you need to get to know each other and ask your baby to say something about himself. Everything is not difficult enough, you just need to "bring your child up to date."
How to liberate a shy child? There are many different methods of doing this, the main principles of which are a gradual but systematic approach.
The technology of liberated development of Bazarny's children is the work of a well-known child physiologist, which allows you to develop all the feelings and emotions in a child, as well as improve communication with other children. The main elements of such a technique are that in the process of teaching a child, whether at home or in a kindergarten, all means of learning must be present. The child's brain is able to grasp and memorize all images literally on the fly, and in order for such images to be well reproduced in memory and then applied in life, all types of memory must be used. Therefore, for children in the process of their learning, it is imperative to give examples and immediately apply the trained skill. For example, loosening up a shy child should begin with a greeting. You need to tell that if you see a familiar person, then you definitely need to say hello. And the next morning you need to consolidate this skill, for example, by going to your grandmother and greeting her.
The next element of this method of emancipation is the formation of visual and motor images. For example, morning exercises should be performed to music, then all exercises are better remembered, and only pleasant moments of morning exercises are stored in the child’s brain, and not the process of awakening. Speaking about nature or people, such stories must be supported by visual images. For example, when studying the world around you, you need to talk about the sun, clouds, rain, and be sure to show pictures or just take them outside.
Such seemingly trifling moments are very important for a child to understand that the world around him and people are needed in order to know them and not be afraid.
Therefore, the main principle of emancipating a child in a team is the early formation of the habit of learning and playing with other children. This is no less important than the child's daily routine, so parents should not lose sight of this moment.
The child's fear of the public
Often parents are faced with the problem that their child goes on stage and forgets the words. And at first glance it seems ridiculous, but it forms a dominant in the child, which can then cause fear to speak in front of any audience. Indeed, in the future the child must work, and various presentations and the ability to communicate with the public - this may be his main task. Therefore, the formation of emancipation, not only in the team, but also in public, is very important if you see your baby successful in the future.
Often the first performance can be in the kindergarten at a New Year's or other matinee. How to liberate the child before going on stage? Firstly, you need to learn the words of a verse or song well, then the child’s main fear that he will forget something will simply disappear. It is necessary to tell what the child will have, who will listen to him, and be sure to say that mom or dad will also come to see him. After such oral preparation, a rehearsal should be held. Ask the child at home to recite the verse, going to the center of the room for mom and dad. If everything is successful, then you can invite a grandmother or a neighbor, then the rehearsal will already be real. Such measures are usually enough for the performance to be successful. After the matinee, you need to consolidate success, emphasizing that your baby is great and you are proud of him.
Dancing is a very important direction in a child's communication with other children and the formation of healthy habits. Not every child can dance well, but it is very useful for forming the right behavior and eliminating fear of the opposite sex. How to liberate children in dance is the main task for the coach to make the dance successful. To do this, first of all, the child needs to know his partner. If they are friendly and communicate well, then their movements will be more daring. It is also important to praise the child so that he knows that he is doing everything right and well, then he will try even harder. For greater emancipation, you can put someone as an example for the child, for example, a famous ballerina or figure skater who is not afraid to speak to the public.
Such simple tips will help to form not only good habits, but also the character of the child in the future.
How to liberate a child without leaving home? Unfortunately, this does not happen, because every person, including a small child, must communicate with other people in order to form courage and self-confidence. Therefore, be sure to teach your baby to communicate with other children and form healthy habits in him. Do not forget that kindergarten and school are not only learning, but also communication and friendship.
Shyness, self-doubt... Who among us has not experienced these states? Why does something suddenly prevent us from answering a question, speaking, objecting, acting?
The state of timidity or fear of action can arise for two reasons.
The first reason is that the act itself can be dangerous. In this case, a natural sense of self-preservation is triggered. I'm afraid to touch a hot iron, I'm afraid to drive at high speed, I'm afraid ... But all these fears are normal. They do not have to fight - they protect us from possible dangers.
The second reason is self-doubt. It almost always manifests itself in the fear of contact with people, not with objects. Then we are no longer talking about a sense of self-preservation, but about the desire to avoid some situations of communication.
Self-doubt or, scientifically speaking, low self-esteem, an inadequate image of "I" - all these definitions concern the very core of our personality: how we see ourselves, what we think about ourselves, how we consider ourselves.
There is a simple psychological experiment: they draw several vertical segments and explain to the subject that at the very top of the segment are the smartest people in the world, and at the very bottom - the most stupid. And the task: mark where you are. A person with normal self-esteem will mark his position on the “mind scale” in the middle of the segment or slightly above the middle. If we now designate the second segment as the “kindness scale”, then most likely you will also rate your own kindness somewhere in the middle. In the same way, you can "measure" your beauty, honesty - anything. In almost all qualities, we choose our position as average. But imagine that we are conducting the same experiment with a child. Immediately it is necessary to stipulate that up to 6 years the child considers himself "the very best", and he will mark his position on the upper edge of the segment. This is not self-esteem, but for now the unformed ability to compare oneself with others. But here we are doing the same test with an older child. Normally, he should do almost the same as an adult. But it may be otherwise. Suppose that the child has been unlucky all last week: his parents scolded him, he did not write the control, his friend offended him ... How will he answer? Of course, his mind, kindness, abilities will be below average for him. Since, unlike an adult, a child's self-esteem has not yet fully developed, in such experiments we can trace its frequent fluctuations.
What have we learned from this example? Self-esteem develops in the process of interaction with other people. Others are the mirror in which we look and recognize ourselves. If this mirror is "kind" - if they love us, they say good things about us - then we like ourselves and look at those around us with kind eyes. If we are offended, point out shortcomings, then it is difficult to maintain self-confidence. After all, the “mirror” turns out to be unkind, we see ourselves as losers in it.
Any action of a person is turned not only to the outside world, but also inward, to himself. Whatever we do, we always discover something new in ourselves. But in an adult, failures and disappointments usually do not affect the very core of his personality, which we call self-esteem. For a child, every success or failure is a touch to a self-portrait, all the events of his life are the colors with which he paints a picture of his own personality, and therefore it is very important to help him understand himself. A child's self-esteem is just being formed, which is why he is so sensitive to both success and failure. Up to a certain age, failure in a particular case is not perceived as a private, local fact, but immediately changes the idea of oneself. That is why the child experiences his mistakes so dramatically.
Now they like to talk about the fact that everything, they say, is determined by genes. The controversy about what determines the human personality - genetic material or environment, has been going on for decades. But if everything was indeed originally determined by heredity, then it would be unusually easy to raise children: after all, everything is already predetermined. This is a very comfortable, but irresponsible position. After all, if we recognize that every parental action affects the character of the child, then you need to think, plan your behavior and take responsibility for it. It is inconvenient, difficult and requires special work. But my parental and professional experience says that it is impossible otherwise.
Let's trace the causes of the child's feelings of self-doubt.
Insecure, timid parents.
How do they react to any life situation? They usually say that it is better not to stick out, not to try, so as not to be a loser. That is, it is safer not to compete with circumstances and with people around you. When a child fails to do something, such parents comment on it with the following words: “You see, you didn’t even have to try, you’re not the smartest, not the strongest ...”. Here is the first lesson of life - others are better, smarter than me. When a new situation arises in which it is necessary to take the initiative, experience tells the child that it is better to do nothing, to hide. No matter what the children's heredity is, parents' self-doubt is passed on to children, who reproduce their low self-esteem. And it, in turn, already produces failure - a vicious circle arises.
It has been noticed that the first-born in the family often suffer from low self-esteem, have more problems in communicating with others than their younger brothers and sisters. The fact is that when the first child appears in the house, parents experience a lot of worries about him. Adults' anxiety about how they cope with their parental responsibilities is transmitted to the child.
Parents are quite prosperous and self-confident.
But whenever the child is on the verge of some kind of test, just as in the above scheme, they try to keep him from acting or even devalue the success he has already achieved. Here the case is more complicated and, perhaps, we are already talking about the deep, hidden from prying eyes, personality traits of the parents. These “bottom” layers of “I” in an outwardly successful person can be especially vulnerable and painful. But while we are talking about our own activities, a person knows how, albeit with difficulty, to overcome his fears. When it comes to the child - the overvalued second "I" of the parents, fears erupt, and the parents do everything to keep him from further actions. If the child has already done something and done it successfully, adults, intuitively foreseeing the danger of subsequent actions, try to present his obvious success as a failure, so that next time it would be disrespectful to try. I repeat, all this is done unconsciously, the reason is hidden from ourselves, but the result is the same - a timid child.
Another reason for this behavior of adults is also possible - the fear of losing power. This situation appears to be particularly cruel. So, power and submission. In our domestic psychology, this topic is unpopular. However, in real life, unfortunately, this motive is very common.
It is believed that the child's initiative develops in preschool age and she shows herself to the greatest extent in the game. The game is the area where both the child and the adult are free: a person can uncontrollably imagine or build any situations in the game action. The very framework of the game makes these actions and situations not dangerous, the history of the development of society created the game, it seems, precisely so that a person can try himself without fear for the consequences. Where you can act freely, initiative is born. But at the opposite pole of this freedom is guilt. If we look at the problem of timidity from the point of view of the alternative “initiativity - a sense of guilt”, it becomes clear that courage and determination are the continuation of the initiative, and timidity and self-doubt are the refusal of initiative, of action, in order to then avoid feelings of guilt.
From about the age of three, a child begins to realize the connection between his action and its consequences. Therefore, from this age we can talk about some kind of minimal responsibility. Some actions of the child, of course, lead to undesirable consequences and require discussion, perhaps even condemnation. But the measure of this condemnation should be the objective characteristics of the situation, and not the parental “like or dislike”.
At the age of play (from 3 to 7 years), the child is especially sensitive to censure or approval. It is from the age of 3 that the active release of the child from parental care begins. You can look at it with joy, or you can look more and more wary: “If it goes on like this, what will be left for me?” And if at this age, watching their child's games, his increasing freedom, a father or mother interprets this freedom for themselves in this way, the prognosis is very difficult. Most likely, such a child is destined to suffer remorse all his life, worry that his action offended someone, harmed someone.
If, at the age of play, a child was often condemned or punished for taking the initiative, most likely, the feeling, or complex, of guilt will remain with him forever. And you should not console yourself with the fact that guilt is the basis of conscience. This is not true. Conscience is a tool for analyzing one's behavior, guilt is a dead end for action.
And if, while growing up, the child learns to at least partially overcome his own timidity, then later, when the parents begin to grow old, this always guilty adult will act to please their fear of losing power over their child, sacrificing their career, family, future.
Seeing your child tear away from you, the fear of losing him to yourself is a difficult test for parents. But to live it with dignity, believing that true relationships will never break down, is our duty.
And a little more about power. When a child goes to school, he falls into the power of new people who are less concerned about his future than his parents. Unfortunately, the damage that one teacher can do is not repaired by a whole school of excellent professionals. It is believed that the teacher has more rights, which means that he never makes mistakes. Well, for example, he can afford to criticize the child's hairstyle. And when adolescence comes, which is so similar to age preschool game, any actions and words that affect the child's personality are especially harmful to his self-esteem.
In especially neglected cases, self-doubt gives rise to anxiety. This is a special psychological term for a reaction close to panic in a stressful situation. Anxiety always prevents a person from acting. An anxious child cannot, for example, concentrate on a task that he is currently solving - he thinks how bad it will be if he does not solve it, that is, he experiences a failure that has not yet happened in advance. It is clear that under such conditions the problem is unlikely to be solved. The most curious thing is that anxiety can, and quite often, be local. One type of activity a person finds especially difficult for himself. In it, he is always unsuccessful. And in other cases - quite prosperous. Such local anxiety sometimes occurs quite by accident, but, unfortunately, adults are also to blame for it.
My daughter was preparing to enter the university. She had to pass mathematics, and at school this subject was certainly not her forte. She started working with a teacher. After a few lessons, we talked to the teacher. She told me that my daughter's main problem is that she does not try to solve any problem on her own. Whatever action she does, she immediately stops and asks if she is doing the right thing. It was then that I realized that my daughter, who is quite successful in general, had never had any experience of success in mathematics. She was never praised, agreeing that mathematics was not given to her. Therefore, when she had to take up this subject seriously, the main thing for her was the desire to avoid failure. She was not interested in the task, but in how not to get into trouble again. And this situation was repeated every time a new topic began. Concluding the next section, she explained to me that it was all very simple, but now the real difficulties will begin, and she will not cope with them. And until now (and now she is already a student) she is afraid of mathematics most of all. Although now there is the same experience of success. If I had understood her problem earlier and helped immediately, perhaps this fear would not have existed. Of course, I can justify myself by explaining that the teachers are to blame. But this is a bad consolation - my own child is suffering.
You can talk endlessly about self-esteem, shyness, self-doubt. But let's sum up the first results. The reason for shyness is low self-esteem. It arises in communication with other people, primarily with parents, more specifically, in a situation where the child's action is evaluated. If his experience of failure outweighs the experience of success, the conclusion is unequivocal, he develops low self-esteem. At the same time, it does not matter at all what the action actually turned out to be - successful or not, it is important how it was evaluated. Even if we are dealing with a complete failure, it can, of course, be presented as a tragedy, or as a lesson for the future. If we want our children to be ready for the trials that await them in life, if we want them to be successful, we must try with all our might so that they collect a baggage of success even in childhood. With this experience, they will succeed!
How can you help your child:
* Accept a timid baby as he is - your child is an independent person, and do not expect him to behave the way you want. Perceiving the child's timidity as a defect, hiding your displeasure badly or hinting that his behavior annoys you, you only exacerbate the problem.
* Do not label. By calling a child "timid" in his presence, you reinforce this feature in his mind. Later, he will use this label to avoid unpleasant or uncomfortable situations: "I'm timid, so I shouldn't, I won't do it." You should not praise and cite other children as an example. By doing so, you strike at his ego and sense of self-respect, which will only exacerbate timidity.
* Try to understand the child. Don't laugh at his problems: give him the support he needs. But if he is having difficulty in some situations, do not rush to help immediately: before intervening, give him a chance to extricate himself.
* Cheer up. It is necessary not to force the child to communicate, but to encourage him to participate in games with other children. It may be easier for your child at first with children who are younger than him or 1-2 years older. Age doesn't matter - they just shouldn't be aggressive.
* If the child is tense, simple suggestions will help (for example, invite him to think about something pleasant, take two deep breaths, etc.)
* Introduce the child to his problems allegorically. For example, tell him a story about a doll who really wants to play, but is afraid to approach playing children, and then ask him for advice on how the doll should act. Suggest several ways out of the situation yourself. Later, the child can use them.
* Help your child to join the game. For example, suggest, “Why don’t you show the kids your new toy.” Or, if he agrees, go to those who play with him. Stay with your child for as long as you are needed, but no longer.
* Prepare your child for going out into the world - to a new company, to a matinee or to visit for a birthday. The child must know exactly where he is going and what awaits him there. If possible, give the names of the children he meets. But remember that over-preparation can lead to increased anxiety.
* Bring your child to school, to a birthday party, to a circle before the other children arrive, so that he can get used to the new environment. If you are late, everyone will pay attention to him, and this can confuse even an adult.
Our children are our joy. So I want every day to be happiness and discovery for the child. But here we notice some shyness, and then severe shyness - the child runs away when guests arrive, lowers his head low when you just need to say hello, is afraid that he will be called to the board or instructed to speak from the stage at the matinee. And we understand that the child is shy of other children, adults, in general, all strangers. What to do about this problem? How to help him overcome shyness, how to teach a child not to be shy?
● Why is the child shy? What is the cause of excessive shyness? Where does shyness come from at an early and school age?
● What to do about shyness? How to teach a child not to be shy?
● Is it possible to overcome the child's shyness and how to do it?
It's so good when a child is not shy. What a kid the neighbors have: from a very early age, only guests in the house, he already climbs into a chair and reads poetry or sings songs. There is no shyness at all. And on the street - all the children greet, smile, talk. Yes, and at school - he learned a lesson or not very much, and the child goes to the blackboard, tells him nothing at all, that it can be funny and clumsy somewhere.
And here is such grief: our smart kid, so curious, knows long rhymes by heart, but so complicated that the neighbor never dreamed of. He is so handsome that he can perform on stage easily. But guests come, and the child begins to be shy, hides in the farthest corner, afraid to go out and just say hello, not to mention telling a rhyme. Further more, when moving to school, the constraint not only does not go away, but intensifies.
And most importantly, there is no way to get him out of this state. The child is embarrassed to tears and no persuasion, pushing, even threats or punishments help him. He hides behind his mother's skirt or under the table, does not want to leave his room, is frowningly silent and lowers his eyes to the floor. When did it start? Did the child begin to be shy at 3-4 years old or already at school? In fact, age is not important, in childhood any problem can be removed, you just need to know HOW.
Why is the child shy? - the answer should be sought in the visual vector
In order to understand the root causes of childhood shyness, you need to know at least a little psychology. All our desires are innate and given by nature. System-vector psychology divides them into vectors. One of the vectors - the visual one - has a whole set of desires, which are expressed in certain features, it is very easy to recognize them at a very young age.
And emotional openness, as well as shyness - these are just two manifestations that lie at the roots of the visual vector.
Fear is something the viewer can swing on, magnifying it. When, in response to emotional openness, the visual child hears laughter, name-calling, they beat him, instead of an emotional connection, fear arises in him. The child begins to sway not on empathy, which would be good for him, but on fear, as a result of which fear increases significantly. This is the child's shyness - the fear of showing oneself, opening up to the world, loving and being loved.
And so it turns out that children with a visual vector, the most potentially educable, the most quick-witted, the kindest and smartest by nature, become closed sociophobes. Having received a blow, having experienced fear, the viewer stops opening, but only closes even more.
From the outside, it seems that most children are not shy. Actually it is not. Most children simply do not have a visual vector - they have neither fear nor emotional openness. So, they simply manifest their desires outwardly in the way they want.
If a child is shy in a kindergarten or school, this is a signal that somewhere there was a visual vector injury - the child closed in on the fear of showing himself. There can be many reasons: in response to openness and emotionality, someone laughed at him, said a rude word, joked, called him names. As a rule, everything comes from other children - "kind" peers will always find something to cling to. The child does not pronounce "r" or lisp, he will be mimicked. The child fell and got dirty, now he will constantly be shouted that he is "crooked". The child is overweight and gets the nickname "fat trust". In general, external beauty is very important for the viewer, and if he is bullied, they say that he does not open his mouth beautifully when he speaks or eats, that he has an ugly expression on his face when he recites poetry, then this puts him in a state of fear of showing himself further , open up.
Not only peers can introduce a visual child into a state of shyness. It can also be from siblings, from teenagers, from adults, even from your own parents. “Oh, well, you are a clown with us, Sasha, when you fall, you can laugh”, “A-ha-ha, look at your daughter, how she dances, not a single cow can be compared”, etc. - when we laugh at the cute attempts of a child to express himself, we often do not even notice that we ourselves hang a stone of shyness around his neck.
When I was very little, they gave me a gramophone. In my childhood there were no computers and music centers with CDs, and the gramophone was a real treasure. Every week my mother bought me a new record with fairy tales and poems, which then came out, as magazines do now. Not knowing how to read yet, I enthusiastically listened to other people's voices many times, scrolling through the record again and again. And my ability opened up - literally in a few days I knew the whole text by heart, moreover, I repeated it with the intonations of the actors, imitating them. Of course, it probably turned out quite simply, but my parents were literally shocked by my talent, they could not believe that I could do that. And I happily told my parents in the kitchen what I had learned. One day, my mother, while walking with me, asked me to tell a record for a friend of her aunt, who was also walking with her children. I began to tell, but my aunt’s eldest son began to laugh at me: “Che, che, I didn’t understand anything! Ha ha! Mom, why doesn’t she say the letter “r”? - he shouted all over the street. Aunt supported her child , said that I had no talent, and it would be better if they took me to a speech therapist, instead of showing strangers to people. They laughed at me, and I did not continue to tell. And then constant trips to speech therapists began - my mother took me to doctors who only said that the girl had a big problem.
"R" I learned to pronounce only in the 7th grade, but until the end of the 11th grade, my classmates "poisoned" me with my lisp. Today I understand that this was a big injury to my visual vector.
Severe trauma to the visual vector in a child can come from interacting with a person with an oral vector. It is oralists who come up with and "glue" offensive nicknames, which then accompany the child to the end of the kindergarten or school, they laugh and their laughter is very contagious, the rest of the children repeat it, and now the whole crowd is laughing at the baby. And often the oralists choose the spectators as their victims. This is how nature works, and it is necessary to deal with the consequences of such an influence of the oralist on the spectator not by censuring the oralist, but development, formation of the visual vector of your child.
And then the rule works - what you are afraid of will certainly happen. The more they call "crooked", the more you fall, the more they laugh, and so on in a circle. The situation is terrible, but what if the child is shy and it only intensifies. There is only one answer - sound the alarm! But, attention (!) This does not mean that it is necessary to run to school and protect the visual baby from ridicule. This most likely will not give anything, but will only aggravate the situation - they will laugh at him even more. It is necessary to act differently - through the visual vector and its innate desires.
Normally, visual fear, as the child grows up, should be transformed into the opposite property, pushed outward - turn into kindness, compassion, the ability to sympathize. Sincere openness gradually turns into empathy, a subtle feeling of the emotions of another person. Only developed visual people can be talented actors, excellent writers, excellent doctors. Moreover, it is communication with other people, love - this is real happiness, joy for the viewer, the highest content of his vector.
And if the child is shy, a signal goes to the parents - the visual vector does not develop, and may not enter these states before puberty, but remain in fear, which means that, having matured, the viewer will experience fears, suffer from shyness, will not be able to normally contact with others.
The task of the parents of a visual child is to help him overcome fears, become emotionally open. And then the shyness of the child will go away by itself. How to do it? Only not with a violent "wedge wedge" - you are afraid to go on stage, we will pull you out. If you are afraid to go to the blackboard and answer in class, we will ask the teacher to call you more often. If you are afraid to communicate with your peers, we will ask them to come to visit every evening. This will not give anything, but will only increase the fears of the child even more.
Visual fears do not go away when they are overcome by force. So they only intensify, driving more and more into the person, into the heart. You can get rid of fear only by pushing it out - transforming it from fear for yourself into fear "for others", that is, into compassion.
It is also not necessary to focus the attention of the child on his shyness, to beg not to be afraid of adults and children. It is necessary to gradually show him that there are many others around him who need his sympathy, fear for them. Carefully guide him through all the stages of development of the visual vector: from plants to animals, from animals to people (read a small example of how to do this. Show your child that others are hurt too, and only he, with his kindness, can help them. Fear for yourself and fear for another are incompatible things in one visual person.Having learned to be afraid for others, to sympathize, he will never be able to sway on fear for himself, which means that he is not threatened by shyness, or psychosomatic illnesses, or social phobia.
Attention! This article is for informational purposes, it is impossible to accurately determine the vector set of the child on its basis. If you have a desire to truly understand your child, you must complete a full course of training in system-vector thinking. Sign up for introductory, free lectures.
Thousands of people have already been trained in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Their relations with relatives have improved, negative conditions have passed, the educational process of children has completely changed.
